Practical Parenting Ideas

Can’t anyone else change the toilet paper around here!

Do you blow up over small things around the house, leaving your child to wonder, "Why is Mom (or Dad) getting so weird about such unimportant stuff?" Maybe you’re falling into the anger trap.

The anger trap gets sprung when a parent lets resentment over a lot of little, and maybe not-so-little, things build up. It’s just a matter of time before a major explosion occurs, often over a minor incident.

This approach to family communications is no good for the parent: You act in ways you don’t want to, ways that aren’t effective, that exhaust you, and that make you feel foolish. And it’s not good for the kids. If you don’t deal with the issues as they come up, your children will never know when you’re likely to explode, leaving them on pins and needles or trying to guess what might spring the trap the next time. They also get trained not to pay any attention until the explosion, then they scramble, but only to get it to blow over.

In her wise and practical book, Tired of Arguing With Your Kids?, Dolores Curran quotes a mother who said, "Yes, I’m an angry woman. I have to be angry to get any help around here. The minute I’m pleasant, everyone stops." Sound familiar?

Curran offers tried-and-true advice from her own experience and from thousands of parents who shared ideas that helped them handle anger effectively for the good of the whole family. Here are a few of her suggested ways to escape the anger trap:

1. Express your feelings early on. Don’t wait till the last minute to let them know you’re angry. And accept that sometimes anger is the appropriate response. Curran describes one early-warning technique she used with her three children.

"‘Do you agree that life is more pleasant around here when I’m happy?’ I’d say.

‘Yes,’ they would nod.

‘Well, I’m not happy. Do you want to know why?’

More nods.

‘Well, I’m unhappy because . . .’ And I gave my reasons in a non-angry tone of voice. ‘Now, what do you suggest we do about it?’"

Though it’s difficult for some parents to express their anger, the dangers of not dealing with irritations as they come up are real and serious. In the heat of anger you might say damaging, hurtful things you don’t mean. Once said, they cannot be unsaid. Or your anger can come out as perennial sarcasm, to the point where there’s a constant hostile undertone in your family conversations. "Good morning, Dad." "Yeah, well what’s it to you!"

2. Keep your presentation short, no more than a minute. After a minute, say psychologists, kids stop listening and start resisting. Keep your emotions level and your message brief.

3. Detach, detach, detach. State your case, apply the consequences, walk away. Arguments will continue as long as the kids get a reaction from pushing our buttons of guilt, insecurity, or defensiveness. It takes two, so don’t be half the problem.

Curran says there’s no harm in letting your children react with sighs and eye rolling–within reason. It’s better to change the behavior by ignoring it than to reinforce it by confronting. When children find tantrums, whining, and rolling eyes get you worked up, they cling to them as the powerful tools they are. When you detach from the situation and they no longer get the desired result, they’ll drop these tactics for things that get rewarded, like cooperation, clear communication, respectful disagreements, and so on.