Practical Parenting Ideas

Listen up!

In an article in U.S. Catholic on how the church should be more like a family, Dolores Curran offered an example of listening responsively rather than reactively. "A parent who listens responsively hears feelings as well as the words, while a reactive listener simply reacts to what’s being said from his or her own perspective and authority.

"Let’s say a son comes to his father and says, ‘I hate school. I’m going to quit.’

"The responsive parent replies, ‘You didn’t used to hate school. What do you hate most about it?’ The parent soon discovers that the child was humiliated in gym class because he couldn’t get to the top of a rope. He doesn’t hate school, but he’s experiencing low self-esteem. Now the parent can address that issue.

"The reactive parent, on the other hand, responds, ‘Nonsense. School is fun. Besides, you’re only 8. You can’t quit.’ This typical three-stage response is often used in the church to discount speakers’ feelings, tell them how they should feel, and quote a rule that effectively ends discussion." Take a moment to think about when you’ve encountered that in your own life. Has it happened to you at work? "It’s ridiculous to want to change how we process orders. You should be happy with the old way like the rest of us. Besides, we’ve spent all this money on the current programs so we can’t change now."

Or maybe you’ve experienced it in your marriage. "What do you mean you don’t want to spend Memorial Day with Art and Tina? They’re loads of fun. Besides, it’s understood that we always spend that weekend with them."

Our kids can even play this role. "What do you mean you want us to sit and talk after dinner? That’s nuts. We don’t have anything to talk about. Besides, you told me I need to finish my homework."

Cultivate the ways of the responsive parent, and keep an ear cocked for when you or others in your home slip into the reactive mode. Rather than command, ask more questions to seek more understanding.