Raising Good Kids

Prudent Parents Aren't Passive, They're Powerful

Years ago when I was teaching high-school religion, I raised the question of what it means to be virtuous. I remember Connie, a bright young senior, announcing with a sigh, "Oh no. Here come another bunch of ‘thou shalt not’s."

Like Connie, many parents think virtue has more to do with what you refrain from doing than taking bold, positive action. And the virtue of prudence has an even worse reputation–as a kind of 98-pound weakling that is afraid to take a stand, afraid to take action.

But the classical understanding of prudence is anything but passive, fearful, or inactive.

In his superb article on virtue ("How Catholic Are the Virtues?") in the June 7, 1997 issue of America, Father James F. Keenan, S.J. sheds new light on the importance of cultivating the virtues in order to become truly ethical people. And virtues demand action.

Says Keenan, "Thomas [Aquinas] believed that we had an inclination to justice, temperance, and courage but that we needed to start acting justly, temperately, and courageously if we wanted those inclinations to become virtues." And to know the right actions to take on the road to becoming virtuous, we need prudence.

"Unfortunately prudence has had a terrible reputation, being thought of as caution, or self-interest. ‘Be prudent’ means ‘Don’t get caught,’ ‘Be extra careful,’ ‘Watch out,’" says Keenan.

"But in the tradition prudence means finding the courses of action that lead to moral growth."

Parents need prudence. They need to have not only a firsthand idea of what is virtuous, but they also need to know and understand each child in their care.

"It is clear that if a parent treated each child the same, then only one child would grow adequately," says Keenan.

"Respecting the uniqueness of the person is the foundational concern of prudence. We cannot give prudential advice unless we have a clear idea of who the agent is. In a manner of speaking, a virtue ought to fit a person the way a glove fits a hand. There is a certain tailor-made feel to a virtue that prompts Thomas to call virtue ‘our second nature.’"

So, what to do?

(1) Practice the virtues yourself. Make a habit of honesty, moderation, kindness, justice, charity, courage, etc. When it comes to a virtue, you use it or lose it.

(2) Know your child. Encourage each child to exercise both the virtues that come easy and those that involve struggle for him or her.

(3) Cultivate in your child an awareness of when virtuous action is called for (in the face of injustice, when the truth must be told, when courage is needed to resist peer pressure). Help your child realize that developing a virtuous "second nature" is a lifelong task that requires attentiveness, strength, and, yes, prudence.

As Keenan says, "A morality based on virtues is not simply about avoiding wrong external actions, but rather, and more importantly, about pursuing the moral development of one’s dispositions."

And that, parents, is a call to action.