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Tea and Temperaments
Seven Ways to a Stronger Marriage
Increased knowledge about the four temperaments should make a difference in your marriage and family life. But how do you make the transition from “in your head” to “on the ground”? When we put the question to Art and Laraine Bennett, they suggested the following areas for practical application, along with guidelines for approaching them as a couple or on your own. (We suggest choosing quality over quantity and exploring no more than two or three questions at once.)
Set aside some quiet time, brew up a pot of tea or coffee, and consider how to build up your marriage by using the temperament God gave you!
For couples: Since some of these topics could tempt one to be defensive or to feel attacked, begin with prayer. Take the attitude that temperaments tell us something important about each other, and try to look at all aspects respectfully and with empathy. Keep your comments constructive and encouraging. Focus on positive changes for the future, and little (if at all) on past failings. If looking in the rear-view mirror is irresistible, try to restrict it to your own behavior, not your spouse’s!
For individuals: Approach this exercise in the spirit described above. If your spouse prefers not to join you, you can still use it as an opportunity to grow in self-knowledge. In fact, everyone might benefit from reflecting alone on these questions prior to discussion.
1. Respect and affection—the foundation of a happy marriage—are fostered when each spouse knows and feels understood and appreciated by the other. Keeping both your primary temperaments in mind, identify issues that tend to “push buttons” that undermine these critical elements in your relationship. How might you share this information with your spouse in a gentle, yet informative way? What can you do to help your spouse feel greater respect and affection?
2. Our temperaments indicate our key strengths. For example, cholerics are goal-oriented and highly determined, melancholics have nobility of purpose and attention to detail, phlegmatics are harmonious peace-makers, and sanguines are joyful and generous. What strengths does your spouse bring to your marriage and family? Do you express gratitude for these strengths often and overtly?
3. Understanding our temperament helps us identify the rough edges in our personality. Cholerics can be bossy and driven; melancholics can be critical; phlegmatics can be withdrawn; sanguines can be flighty. Do you know your rough edges? What personal changes can you make that would improve yourself and your marriage?
4. Awareness of our rough edges helps us to target the virtues we really need to grow in. Most cholerics would do well to seek compassion and meekness; melancholics, supernatural hope and trust in God; phlegmatics, holy audacity in seeking Christ and his kingdom; sanguines, perseverance and indifference to the world’s approval. Which virtues would you particularly like to attain? How do you think God is calling you to grow in them?
5. Each temperament type has key emotional needs which, if denied, can cause emotional distance in a marriage. Cholerics require genuine areas of control and loyalty; melancholics require quiet, space and order; phlegmatics thrive on abundant words of praise and affection; sanguines need fun and personal attention. Are you aware of your spouse’s emotional needs? Are you honoring them? What practical steps you can take?
6. Because of the effects of original sin, no marriage is completely free of conflict or disagreement (see Catechism, 1606-1608). The question is how we handle these situations when they occur. In the happiest marriages, partners are able to express problems and concern with respect, forgiveness, and affection. Does this describe your own response to marital conflict? With your temperament types in mind, consider how you might show greater respect and affection when you don’t agree or see things the same way.
7. Are some temperaments better suited to sanctity? At first glance, you might think so, but in reality no single temperament has the advantage. Everyone is called to holiness, and each temperament has its strengths and struggles in pursuing a life of prayer. The energetic choleric may find it challenging to spend time in silence and meditation every day. The melancholic may be drawn to prayer and acts of piety but may struggle with simple acts of charity and gratitude. The phlegmatic is often drawn to classic devotions, such as the rosary, but may need to boost his active service to the church. The sanguine may feel a natural attraction to prayer groups and to generously serving the church but may need to cultivate a deeper interior life. What helps to spiritual growth resonate with your temperament? With your spouse’s? How can you can help each other to grow spiritually? Where is the Lord inviting you to deeper communion with him?